Why me?!?

I watched his chest rise and fall, hanging on each breath. I prayed each breath, Lord fill his lungs with air.  We had spent the whole day in the emergency room with people who were concerned about my baby's struggle for breath, his oxygen was low, each breath was laboured.  Concerned nurses kept checking.  Doctors were aware and working to help...  All I could do was wait and pray.  Wait and pray...everyone there was working to accomplish the same goal, to see my baby breath without struggle.  Finally we were admitted.  We were heading to a room where we could be safe and cared for... I sighed a deep sigh of relief.

And then it happened.  There she stood before me threatening my peace in that moment.  I decided that I would advocate on behalf of my tiny son, and that I would take charge of his care, because I was sure she wouldn't.

It was 10 o'clock and I could see him starting to struggle.  I asked for the medicine that would help him...  She refused claiming he didn't need it.  She said she didn't believe He had struggled so hard in the ER.  She refused to believe the black and white facts...  He settled for the moment and fell asleep, so I waited and watched.  1 o'clock a.m. rolled around and his breath was becoming quite laboured.  He was grunting with each breath.  His chest and neck pulling from the hard work to take in air.  He was sleeping.  I was concerned, I called for her, and again she insisted he had no need for the medicine.  We argued.  I was working hard to maintain my calm so as not to look like a crazed unreasonable mother.  Why had 3 doctors and a team of nurses realized my child's need for the medicine but she would not.  She was the only nurse on, I didn't know what to do.  I sat there holding my son and praying...feeling completely inadequate to do what my son needed.  His breaths became more laboured, and he started taking long pauses in between breaths.  I kept arguing over his care.  She refused.  I could not force her to give him the medicine that he desperately needed.  I was angry, no furious!  I didn't have a lot of options.  What was I going to do? Why was this happening to us?  To my innocent baby...

I have heard some ask if God loves me why would He allow this to have happened??  We all have a choice.  God loves us so much that He allowed us a choice, a voice, a personality.  Sometimes those choices are life changing.  Some of those choices cause us deep pain, sometimes they cause others deep pain, even death.  God isn't silent during these times of pain, he is an ever present help in times of trouble.  He weeps with us, He understands and is not uncaring or distant from our pain, He is right there in the midst of it.  As a loving parent He wishes his children to follow Him to listen and to obey...  But all of us sin.  Each one of us have choices and each one of us has caused hurt and pain to others.  There comes a time that despite our pain we must take action and choose to do something right.  To follow and obey the best we can.  God never promised that life would be easy, in fact He promised just the opposite, that life would be hard, there would be trouble, but if we trust and obey Him that we have no reason to fear because He has overcome each trouble.

Sometimes the actions of others is outside of our control, just like that nurse.  I could not force her to do what was right.  I was out of control...  She was making choices of her own free will.  I know God wants my son to live, to breath.  Was He happy with what was happening?  Was He unaware of the struggle that occurred?   Of course He wasn't, He was there in our midst.  God loves us enough to give us a choice, and He also loves us enough to offer help when we go to Him.  He is faithful, closer than a brother.  A loving Father who knows we live in a sinful world and because of that offered His Son as a ransom, a payment for the sin that entangles us each day.  Jesus endured the most agonizing pain...because *I* sin, and *you* sin.  He is not absent from pain, He endured the  worst pain by hanging naked, bloodied, beaten, shamed, ridiculed, abused in the worst way, because of sin.  Both yours and mine.  So your reaction might be, "why me?" While you shake your fist at God.  I choose to say, "why me Lord?...and "Thank you."

some muddled thoughts from my mushy brain,
Jeannie~