Lets talk about sex!

Yep. that's right, sex.  I have made a few decisions lately.  You might agree or not, but here they are.

When a relationship is started and based around sex, it is easy.  It is simple.  For someone to be accepted on just the physical there is not much risk.  Sex can be pleasurable.  It brings you together without having to be "bare" emotionally.  It is false intimacy.  It is a fraud, a  cheap plastic replica of something that is suppose to be beautiful and costly.

If sex is had in the way that God designed it, you have been bare emotionally first.  You have opened yourself up to another person, all the pretty and the ugly.  You have laid your life down for the other person in an act of selflessness and paid a dear price to be able to engage on the physical.  Even when people haven't laid themselves bare emotionally but have paid the price (by getting married) there is a deeper  satisfaction a deeper exchange that happens between lovers.  It is something that cannot be explained in mere words until you experience it.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her... a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”[e] 32 This is a great mystery....   let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself.

The bible speaks about a man "knowing" a woman.  The act of sex opens up your spirit and gives a glimpse into your soul through the joining of your body.  This is not something you should do with just anyone...  I personally do not want my spirit being joined with any man that hasn't laid down his life, committed himself to me in every way, and is willing to die for me.

Sex also blurs the lines.  Because your spirit is bare and open when you join yourself with another, it plays tricks on your mind and spirit.  It makes you believe you are in love, it makes you believe you are "committed".  But what you have is just rubble.  It is empty. Like a beautiful apple, all shiny and red.  You bite into it only to discover it is rotten and brown on the inside.  It is shallow and a fraud...

Joel 2:25
The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.

Thank God He can restore us and make us whole, and only He can return the lost and stolen pieces and make them beautiful and new.  I am tired of cheap frauds.  I want to live a life that is based on truth and beauty, the beauty that God has for me, His way is always good and even better than I could ever imagine.

Muddled thoughts from my mushy brain...
Jeannie~

That huge knot in my gut...

You know the one, the one that keeps you awake all night fretting and worrying, and eating at you...  I have struggled my whole life with worry.  I would worry about situations, circumstances, potential circumstances, money, relationships.  Until recently I didn't know what to do about it.  It made me feel crazy at times!

I would say things like "I know God has this in His control, I am not worried..." But internally I *was* worried, I wasn't always sure how it would unfold, or what to do with that knot in my stomach.  I said at times in certain situations "Under the circumstances...I am doing ok."  Well I made a decision to stop being under the circumstances.  If you know me, you will quickly learn that I submit myself to one teacher, Derek Prince.  This man has influenced my life so much that one of our sons is named after him.

I was lead to listen to a teaching recently on "Where your security comes from."  I did not realize how much I needed it, how timely it was.  I have a number of things weighing on my mind, some of them I am worried about...  Some of them I am really not sure how they will work out.  I realized that I needed to take into captivity each thought that was tormenting me.  I acknowledged the truth.  "Lord this situation worries me, but I am going to rest in the fact that you understand it better than I do and You will work it out in your perfect timing."  I have given Him the situation(s), and decided that the circumstances will not steal another moments peace or joy from me.  After all, fretting about it will not do anything but cause me torment and do nothing to change the issues...

2 Corinthians 10:4-6  New International Version (NIV)

4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 6 And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

The Lord has given me a weapon that is sharper than any two edged sword, and I am free to use it at will.  I am proclaiming in faith that the situation I face will be turned around for God's glory and I will then be able to boast about how He worked it all out.  I am renewing my mind, by the washing of the Word.  I am thinking on lovely, positive helpful things.  If I continue to meditate on and think on the negative issues, the worrying parts, the parts that cause me pain, I will not be successful.  I have to focus my thoughts on the positive, lovely, truth filled parts.  I am guarding my heart and my mind and letting it soak in the truth that comes from knowing the Word.  God is good and His plan for me is good.  I will trust Him and be obedient.

Ephesians 4:22-24  New Living Translation (NLT)
22 throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. 23 Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. 24 Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

I trust as I do these things in obedience Christ will allow me to experience perfect peace.  I feel it already.  Nothing has changed but the inner turmoil is not causing me to fret or worry.  I trust and know that God can take any circumstance and change it...  I know that His peace will indeed guard my heart and mind, giving me PERFECT peace...nothing lacking, complete.  I know that this will not be easy, and I know God will give me lots of time to practice, but I believe it will save me from further torment as I practice and rest obediently in Him.

Philippians 4:7-9  New Living Translation (NLT)

7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

I know the journey is long and there will always be things in life that come along that I have to submit, but now I feel like I have turned a corner, and I will be more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus!

Muddled thoughts from my mushy brain~
Jeannie

On the prowl...

Kids have a way of manipulating situations.  If you start giving in to a child they will keep going to see how far they can get until you stop them.  With R traveling so much I often times have a sleepy head come to me in the night.

Last night S came to our room, and was sad.  It was 2 am.  He wanted to sleep with me.  At that moment and in my very tired state I was almost convinced to allow him to come into my bed...  But then I remembered that should I allow it once, he would not stop at once and we would end up having struggles in the days to come.  I said no, comforted him and turned on the laundry room light for comfort and settled him back in his own bed.  He was fast asleep again quickly.  I on the other hand laid awake for some time contemplating the events that had just happened.

It made me think of a few things...  That I need to guard myself in life.  There are moments in life that I could make a choice that is easy...but it has long term consequences.  It is the lazy way...  I am often times faced with these situations as a parent.  There are many days that I feel wearied by the constant need to correct bad behaviour or retrain a child in something or teach a new concept.  If I chose not to do those things, it would be easy...  But the long term consequences could be terrible.

^{1Peter 5:8} Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith.


There is no room for mediocre in life.  There is no room for lazy...  If I give the devil an inch he will take my whole arm...  I need to be aware and alert and sober minded.  My life needs to be purposeful.  If I give the Lord an inch He will give me a mile...  No grey areas, black and white.  Good or bad.  Each choice has a consequence.  If we are lazy, we will get terrible results in life.  To be successful in anything it takes hard work and determination.  I want the end of my life to be the result of hard work and determined effort to reach my destination...

Once again, muddled thoughts from my mushy brain,
Jeannie

I want the puppy, pleeeease let me have her!!!

There she was, the cutest little blonde puppy you could ever ask for.  She was *tiny* and soft, and adorable.  I wanted her.  I wanted her badly.  I begged and pleaded and  promised my undying commitment and care of this puppy.  Then left it alone, knowing it would never happen.  

Then it happened.  He arrived, with a baby blanket, swaddled around the most adorable tiny puppy in the world.  And she was MINE!!!  I could hardly stand it.  I was so happy.    

I worked hard, training her, and loving her.  I took her to puppy classes.  I took her to the vet.  She was going to be smaller, because she was the runt.  I was committed   This time would be different.  I was dedicated to making it different.  She grew, bigger than any of us expected...we joked it was because she was so loved.  

And then she bit R.  Sure, he had surprised her moving her food dish with his foot.  We passed it off.  Then she bit J, and then she bit S, and then she bit the neighbours kid.  The biting continued...and we muzzled her. I wept knowing my puppy was broken somehow, and we could not keep her.  I searched for someone, anyone to take her and to love her like I loved her.  No one could take her, no one wanted the liability of having a BIG biting dog...  The only thing we could do was have her euthanized   I was heartbroken.  The vet agreed, she was too dangerous, and retraining was unlikely to work.  I took her to the vet and stroked her face and kissed her and watched my beautiful puppy go to sleep...  

I was angry.  How could this have happened to my puppy?  How could this have happened, I loved her, I did everything right...hadn't I?

The thing I came to realize was that just because I want something...just because it makes me "happy" in the moment doesn't mean it was right for me.  My puppy made me happy in the moment...but ended up causing me more pain than I expected.  

The pursuit of happiness is not always the best pursuit.  All of us wish to be happy...but the things that bring us happiness are often times fleeting.  The dictionary definition of happiness is :

a : a state of well-being and contentment

b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience

Very temporary...fleeting.  We can be happy in a moment.  We can be experiencing something pleasurable, like snuggling a soft puppy. Happiness is fleeting.  Happiness is based on an experience, a moment.

I personally am not looking to be merely happy...I am looking for security.

 : the quality or state of being secure: as

a : freedom from danger : safety

b : freedom from fear or anxiety 

Not just a few experiences that cause me to feel good for a time.  I want joy, peace and complete satisfaction.  People do all sorts of things that are destructive and unhealthy in the name of happiness...  They go from one thing to the next looking for that feeling of pleasure.  well life is full of things that aren't "pleasurable" and if we keep running after them, we will be left wanting.  I personally need an anchor for my soul, knowing that even when the winds and rains rage against me I will be secure, no need to fear...  Securely hidden in the safety of the Lord, when I rest in security, I am happy, I am at peace, I am filled with joy, knowing nothing can touch me...

^{Hebrews 6:18} So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. ¹⁹ This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. 

Just some muddled thoughts from my mushy brain.

Jeannie~

Tiny offerings~

I was handed a paper that had a number of colourful scratches on it.  A proud little boy was so excited to give me this picture that he had drawn.  I couldn't tell what it was, but it was beautiful, because he had worked hard, taking effort with each stroke of the crayon.  He had thought of me with each colour.  He handed me the picture and said this is for you mama.  My heart melted...  I loved it, but it didn't make me love him more.  Nothing he had done caused me to love him.  He was my child and that in itself was enough...

Sometimes I feel like that child, handing off my papers, my scribbles to the Lord...  I feel so proud of them but when I look closer they look like childish scribbles on pieces of paper.  There is no room for pride.  There is no room to believe there is anything that I could do, or say or create, or think that would make him love me.  I need only be His child, I need only be obedient and follow Him.  He made the way possible and because of that and only that am I able to call myself His.

Tiny offerings is all I have, but I know that its not because of my tiny offerings that I am accepted and loved. It is His great mercy and grace and that alone.

Some muddled thoughts from my mushy brain,
Jeannie~

Why me?!?

I watched his chest rise and fall, hanging on each breath. I prayed each breath, Lord fill his lungs with air.  We had spent the whole day in the emergency room with people who were concerned about my baby's struggle for breath, his oxygen was low, each breath was laboured.  Concerned nurses kept checking.  Doctors were aware and working to help...  All I could do was wait and pray.  Wait and pray...everyone there was working to accomplish the same goal, to see my baby breath without struggle.  Finally we were admitted.  We were heading to a room where we could be safe and cared for... I sighed a deep sigh of relief.

And then it happened.  There she stood before me threatening my peace in that moment.  I decided that I would advocate on behalf of my tiny son, and that I would take charge of his care, because I was sure she wouldn't.

It was 10 o'clock and I could see him starting to struggle.  I asked for the medicine that would help him...  She refused claiming he didn't need it.  She said she didn't believe He had struggled so hard in the ER.  She refused to believe the black and white facts...  He settled for the moment and fell asleep, so I waited and watched.  1 o'clock a.m. rolled around and his breath was becoming quite laboured.  He was grunting with each breath.  His chest and neck pulling from the hard work to take in air.  He was sleeping.  I was concerned, I called for her, and again she insisted he had no need for the medicine.  We argued.  I was working hard to maintain my calm so as not to look like a crazed unreasonable mother.  Why had 3 doctors and a team of nurses realized my child's need for the medicine but she would not.  She was the only nurse on, I didn't know what to do.  I sat there holding my son and praying...feeling completely inadequate to do what my son needed.  His breaths became more laboured, and he started taking long pauses in between breaths.  I kept arguing over his care.  She refused.  I could not force her to give him the medicine that he desperately needed.  I was angry, no furious!  I didn't have a lot of options.  What was I going to do? Why was this happening to us?  To my innocent baby...

I have heard some ask if God loves me why would He allow this to have happened??  We all have a choice.  God loves us so much that He allowed us a choice, a voice, a personality.  Sometimes those choices are life changing.  Some of those choices cause us deep pain, sometimes they cause others deep pain, even death.  God isn't silent during these times of pain, he is an ever present help in times of trouble.  He weeps with us, He understands and is not uncaring or distant from our pain, He is right there in the midst of it.  As a loving parent He wishes his children to follow Him to listen and to obey...  But all of us sin.  Each one of us have choices and each one of us has caused hurt and pain to others.  There comes a time that despite our pain we must take action and choose to do something right.  To follow and obey the best we can.  God never promised that life would be easy, in fact He promised just the opposite, that life would be hard, there would be trouble, but if we trust and obey Him that we have no reason to fear because He has overcome each trouble.

Sometimes the actions of others is outside of our control, just like that nurse.  I could not force her to do what was right.  I was out of control...  She was making choices of her own free will.  I know God wants my son to live, to breath.  Was He happy with what was happening?  Was He unaware of the struggle that occurred?   Of course He wasn't, He was there in our midst.  God loves us enough to give us a choice, and He also loves us enough to offer help when we go to Him.  He is faithful, closer than a brother.  A loving Father who knows we live in a sinful world and because of that offered His Son as a ransom, a payment for the sin that entangles us each day.  Jesus endured the most agonizing pain...because *I* sin, and *you* sin.  He is not absent from pain, He endured the  worst pain by hanging naked, bloodied, beaten, shamed, ridiculed, abused in the worst way, because of sin.  Both yours and mine.  So your reaction might be, "why me?" While you shake your fist at God.  I choose to say, "why me Lord?...and "Thank you."

some muddled thoughts from my mushy brain,
Jeannie~

Who I represent!

I have been thinking a lot lately.  I know frightening eh??

I was thinking about something someone said recently saying there is comfort in being a victim, and in self pity.  It made me think about names.  Have patience, you'll understand in a second...  :)  

God places a strong significance on names, to the point He renamed people.  That brought me to think of the names I have called myself.  Unworthy, ugly, failure etc. I know you understand the whole "representing" thing with gangs.  People have to represent their gang colours, and their "boys".  It made me realize that all those names I called myself were causing me to "represent" those "gangs".  I don't have to represent any of the demons that would cause me to act in a particular way any longer.  I don't have to be named those worthless names any longer.  I have been made new, I have a new name.  I carry the name of my Father, and He has named me friend, daughter, a member of the Royal Priesthood among a few...  These are the names I choose to "represent"!  Jesus made a way through His blood, and His sacrifice for me to be bought out from under that slavery of those "gangs".  I am free!  

I realized that when we name ourselves, or have been named by others those negative names, we put ourselves in situations that confirm those names.  If our name is victim we put ourselves in situations to be victimized.  If we name ourselves useless, we become useless, only confirming in our minds that in fact we are a victim, we are useless.  Until we kick those "gangs" out we cannot represent the One who can rename us, and make us new.   Repentance,  deliverance and washing in the truth of the Word is the only way to be free and to allow the name the Lord has given us to become who we are. 

Ask Him He will be happy to tell you His name for you...

Some muddled thoughts from my mushy brain,

Jeannie~

Knit together by the Masters hands...

The 40th anniversary of Roe VS Wade has just passed.  The media has highlighted the different views and opinions.  I find the issue of abortion causes me to become very passionate.

I am a mother of 13...10 I have the pleasure of knowing in life.  3 Wait for me in eternity.  So many cannot fathom the reasons I would have these children.  I have heard that it was due to not having any siblings growing up.  That I am "addicted" to babies (I must admit I have fed that theory myself, I mean babies are incredible little beings, who can't melt at a tiny wee babe...?).  I have heard that it is the one thing I feel I can do right so I do it.  Huh?!  Many theories not a lot of questions directly to me on my, let me rephrase, our reasons.

I have been offered an abortion 2x.  Once with my firstborn.  And next with my 5th.  Each time the answer was a loud and resounding insulted NO!  The first I was a scared 18 yr old, unmarried, foolish and in my OAC's of highschool.  The doctor believed he was being caring, helpful and supportive.  Even then there was no question in my mind that I wanted this baby.  I deeply loved this baby.  I was scared.  I was unprepared.  I had no idea how it was all going to turn out, what would happen, but I knew one thing, that I would fight and struggle and do whatever I could for this baby, that somehow God had entrusted *me* with.  There was never a shred of doubt, a moment of question.  This was my child and I loved her.  Some may have argued at the time, that I had my life ahead of me.  That I needed to pursue ... to be happy and successful.  I had researched abortion as a teen, and knew the horrors of what it really was.  I was raised by young parents who had chosen life for me, and although it was hard at times, I was here...

The church needs to stand up for more.  The church needs to stand alongside young, scared moms and dads.  The church needs to support these women/men and help them so they don't feel so alone in their journey to bringing an unplanned life into the world.  Thank God I had a partner who never once mentioned the A word, who never pressured me  , who also believed in the sanctity of life, even through the fear.  So many young women don't have that.

Today I celebrate life.  I praise God for the blessing of babies despite whether *we* planned them or not.  My God is Sovereign and makes no mistakes.  Each of us formed by His own great design, knit together in the secret place by the Masters own beautiful hands...

Some muddled thoughts from my mushy brain,
Jeannie~

Speaking so loudly my voice doesn't need to...

I have come to realize lately how deeply empty words can be.  Someone might say everything my ears long to hear.  Saying the words means nothing if action doesn't follow.  I hate lies.  I have decided to speak less and listen more.  The words I speak I want to be meaningful and deliberate and honest.  I wish my life to be a sincere testament to who I am.  I want my actions to speak so loudly that my voice doesn't need to.

I have been watching a person i love walk through some dark times.  The words said speak of hope and clarity...  The actions taken scream lost and still in darkness.  It seems so obvious to me, but not to them.  I watch them struggle and yet continue on the deep dark path they are on.  God spoke to me in a dream... He often does.  He showed me a picture and there on the floor was my loved one, they were a puddle.  I was working so hard trying to desperately gather them up.  The harder I worked the more of a puddle I became. The Lord told me to let them go...He was the only One who could take the puddle and make it something good.  So as painful as it is, I have released my loved one to the Lord trusting in His time they will be whole, not by anything I could do or say, but by His great love and mercy, and that alone.

Jesus words were always truth. He was never lazy.  His life spoke without Him needing to always speak words.  He told me to release my anxiety and burdens to Him and He would give me rest.  He did not lie, I have rest and I have peace.

Some muddled thoughts from my mushy brain,
Jeannie~